and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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