Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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