you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
