Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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