I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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