Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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