Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So much rum. So many feels.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
