Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
