i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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