he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
