i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
