i just google imaged poop.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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