It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
