mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
