Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
