oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
