call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
