It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
