that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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