God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
