even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
