he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
