no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
