Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
