omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
