Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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