My room smells like vodka and shame
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
