SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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