the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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