Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
