its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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