I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
