did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
