Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
