I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
