I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
