my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
