I hate all girls vehemently.
i love accidental penises.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
so much tequila, so little girl.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
