What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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