I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
