Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
