any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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