my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
