Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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