and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
this hospital has no fireball
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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