I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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