Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
