think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
