Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
