There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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