Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
