I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
