Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
