just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
