I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
