someone threw a dead crab at me
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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