You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
