worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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