just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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